The 13th Apostle

TOP: Bob trying out this new thing called "bicycling". He never did seem to get the hang of it

2nd: Although Kathy was DYING to get out kayaking in this surf, we boys wimped out and elected to bike today

3rd: Lumpy lounging by the seashore. The veranda from our hotel on Lake Superior...very nice, indeed...

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Today we drove up from Duluth to the Apostle Islands. They are about 20 islands off the MN/WI coast in Lake Superior, a very bucolic scene indeed. We get here just as the ferry was pulling up (ferry goes mainland to the biggest island only), and they begin loading a 40 FOOT MOTORHOME onto the 41 foot ferry. I'm thinking, man, this baby is going down with the ship, but the expertly load it, and we see it making its way out to the island safely.

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We stopped into the visitor's welcome center to get some maps and such. They actually had a flyer warning about the "swimming bears attacking kayakers". Apparently the black bears swim island to island hunting fish, and they sometimes mistake a kayaker for a big fish. I would just crap my pants if I was kayaking along and a bear came up next to me. I can't imagine...

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The weather was too rough to go out today, so we opted to bike over on the biggest island. We told kathy we'd do a nice little 10 mile jaunt....35 miles of 20+mph winds, 85 degree sun, and no waterstops later we pulled back into town. Man, was she ever happy for the workout! Bob had a flat that became an engineering nightmare...he had to figure out if it was the tensile strength of the tube that went wrong, or perhaps a tortional stress on a spoke, or maybe just A FREAKIN' STONE HE RAN OVER. Took about 30 minutes to change that tube while we were eaten alive by mosquitos passing themselves off as birds...huge mosquitos...dinosaur-like mosquitos. Then, as we're riding along a bit later, I look back and he's on the ground (pix above to document!). Now, THAT was funny. Kathy yelled "SPRINT" and took off. Later Bob pulled a sprint of his own, winning the climb to the top of the island landfill...he was so proud.

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We got back to town, stopped in a local coffee shop to get lunch, and the owner just pulled up a chair and spent an hour chatting with us. Lovely gal, she moved here from her diary farm 20 years ago to be "around people". No, really...and she stays here all winter with the other dozen or so nutbags who winter here. She said it wasn't too bad, only about 2 months that they can't leave the island...when the lake is freezing (before they can skidoo over on the ice) and when it is melting (when you fall in and the kayak-eating bears get you). Otherwise, it's a fun spot. OK, we believe you. Damned good sandwiches though at her place.

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DAY 2: We went out this morning to rent some kayaks. We go into the kayak rental shop, and ask what tours they have. The gal goes into a long monologue about what a great tour they have that goes over to the island caves, blah, blah, blah. We say, Ok, let's do it. "Oh" she says, "that tour left about an hour ago". OK, so we'll just rent some boats and go paddle by ourselves. She says that we have to go through a safetly instruction before they can rent us the boats. Ok, no big deal, let's do it. "Oh" she says "the only guy who does the safety instruction is leading that tour that left an hour ago". OK, so kayaking is out.

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We go over to the sailing rental shop down the street. The guy inside tells me about a great sail that they have, we shouldn't miss it. I say OK, let's book it. "Oh" he says, it doesn't start until the end of june...we don't actually sail yet".

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At this point I'm ready to put a bullet in my head....so, we go out riding again instead of kayaking. But, it LOOKED like a really nice place to kayak....except for the bears.

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"Ya gotta ask the right question" Lumpy out

I Salute Da-Lut

TOP: Center for Non-Violence in Duluth. This closed right after Bush took office.

2nd: The Electric Fetus...I thought it was an abortion clinic, but apparently it was a music shop

3rd: The Duluth harbor bridge...not quite Sidney, but pretty cool nonetheless.

4th: A plate of the signature spaghetti at Grandma's restaurant (of Grandma's marathon running race fame).

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After finishing up in MStP, we were heading up to the Apostle Islands in Lake Superior for the weekend to kayak and bike. But first, we had to take a swing by Duluth to check it out.

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Duluth is the quinesential harbor city...freighters everywhere hauling coal, iron ore, and various commodities into Lake Superior for their trip down to the rust belt...Detroit, Chicago, Gary, Cleveland...Huge freighters, huge warehouses (for grain I suppose), and a huge lake. Superior has claimed thousands of ships over the years (remember the Edmund Fitzgerald song?), and I can see why. It's is huge, makes it's own weather, and I imagine can be incredibly rough in the wintertime.

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Duluth was actually kind cool...nice waterfront with lots of little restaurants, spike hills coming right off the lake with houses stacked all the way up, and a pleasant sea breeze (probably not so pleasant at 30 below in january however). Well worth a visit.

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"Glad I live comparatively in the sun belt...Rochester" Lumpy out

So big they needed "twin cities"

TOP: Amusement park inside mall of america...really big, but it was all chain store stuff, so not very interesting.

2nd: Bob and daughter Sara. She was 6 last time we saw her, and her name then was Katie. She might have been asian also.

3rd: Mississippi River, lock, and stone bridge in downtown StPaul. Pretty cool little area

4th: Best diner in MN...you can never go wrong with a fat guy on the sign!

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Today we finally got to Minneapolis-StPaul after 3 days of long drives across South Dakota, North Dakota, and Minnesota (and a quick touch into Nebraska and Iowa). I was really looking forward to seeing Fargo ND, but when we got there it was really nothing...never even found the wood chipper. Once we got into Minnesota, the roads got really bad...their freeways were the worst of the whole trip (except for PA, which has a 3rd world highway system). Sectioned concrete pavement, hours and hours of thump-thump-thump...I just wanted to put a bullet in my head. Our new car will now need replacement shocks once we get home.

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We tooled around MStP for a few days, taking in the food, shopping, and sights. The Mall of America, which I had good memories of from prior business trips, was really nothing more than a big collection of chain stores...all the same ones that exist in every other mall nowadays. Are there no more local shops in the country?

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Bob lives out on the west side, and has a really nice bike path a block from the homestead. Kathy and I rode every day...really nice to be able to ride without cars around, although I almost buried a deer once.

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We stopped at a Keith's Kettle diner (above...come for the food, stay for the heart surgery). They sat us in the middle of a bunch of truckers who provided the entertainment. They were going off about the "trilateral commission" wanting to take over the world and instill a "New World Order". Kathy asked if that was the same NWO as on wrestling..they didn't quite get the joke. Then they started going off about Janet Reno dating both of the Clintons..like Bill would nail an ugly chick (LOL!). Then they decided that they were going to try to run Larry the cable guy for president so as not to elect a woman, a black, or an old guy. Man, if ONLY there was an IQ test to vote, they would have been screwed. Such is the future of the US (unfortunately).

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Fun city, and except for the 50 below winters I might actually try living there.

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"Twin bellies" Lumpy out

North Dakota

Exactly...

Oh Crap...It's a "CORN" Palace

I was really excited to go to Mitchell SD to see the porn palace. I thought, wow, a whole place in the midwest dedicated to porn.This should be interesting.

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Then I got there....oopsy!

South Dakota...it keeps going, and going, and going....

TOP: Wall Drug, a fixture in middle SD for about a hundred years. More crap than you could shake a stick at

2nd: Sinclair gas...where I go for ALL my gourmet cheese

3rd: Sioux Falls, surprisingly found in Sioux Falls, SD

4th: Donut convention in Sioux Falls

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We spent the rest of today driving across South Dakota...the state with lots of stuff. We visited the Louis and Clark exhibit along the Missouri River, the corn palace in Mitchell (next post), and Sioux Falls. All cool stuff, and it really changed my view of what South Dakota was all about. I would definitely come back out here again and do some more exploring...and we never even got to the ICBM silo tour!

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"This might be the real Oz" Lumpy out

Badlands...Now THAT'S a Place I can warm up to!

TOP: Well, at least I didn't pick up the rattlesnake!

2nd: Yet another tornado chasing us. This one hit Rapid City about 2 hours after we departed

3rd: Badlands looking down. Note the rock coloring and striation

4th: Badlands looking up. Note the rock coloring and striation

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Today, after a brief workout at the Rapid City Y, we drove through the Badlands. All the way we were being chased by tornadoes, and in fact one hit Rapid City just a couple of hours after we departed. That would have been ugly...a lat machine pulldown bar blown up my butt...

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Badlands a real cool rock formation. You enter the park with this huge, expansive canyon below the road. It has all sorts of colors...reds, magenta, yellows...and then about half way through the park, the whole scene flips, and you are down in the valley on a road and the cliffs are all above you. Very cool indeed.

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We saw a surprising number of animals...well, ok, just a few bunnies which I'm certain only exist to feed the rattlesnakes. There were a few hikers, and if this isn't "desolation hiking" then I don't know what is. Definitely worth the trip if you're out that way.

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Is there a place called "goodlands"? Lumpy out

The Answer My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind "Cave)

TOP: Calcite along the cave walls and ceiling. You felt like you were in a giant spiderweb

2nd: The only (to date) natural entrance to wind cave. Big enough for a teenager to fit through. Maybe not a bad idea to just stuff them all into it...

3rd: Ranger Barb delivering her "Look out for the cave bears" speech

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Today we went and toured Wind Cave National Park. WCNP is the 4th largest cave system in the world (hundreds of miles mapped thus far, which they think is only about 5% of the cave system). It was pretty darn cool, and we did the "easy" 2 hour tour. I wouldn't do a 3 hour tour because of the Gilligan thing...

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Once you got in the cave there were tunnels leading everywhere. I kept thinking of that original star trek episode where the silicon eating wormlike thing eats all those tunnels through the rock. It was just like that, and I kept waiting for one to appear.

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During the orientation from Ranger Barb, one little kid asked if there were any bears in the cave. We all had a good laugh, and Ranger Barb told him no, they weren't those kind of caves. He seemed relieved.

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Of course, about an hour into the tour, just when it was getting really dark, some buthead (can anyone guess who? Bueller? Bueller?) says "hey, look at that bear". Well, doesn't the kid just shit a brick! Starts screaming, and 10 minutes later when his parents finally calm him down, then he has to go pee. Of course, you're in a cave, not exactly lots of toilets down there. So he spends the rest of the tour going "Mommy, I have to pee" every 2 minutes. Great fun was had by all...

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Caves are a cool thing, but I think I would be scared shitless to go crawling around one by myself with just a headlamp and some string to lead me back out. I'll stick to wide open mountaintops!

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"Does a bear shit in a cave?" Lumpy out

They're Carving Bush's Head Now...NOT!

TOP: All faces...washington, jefferson, T Roosevelt, and Lincoln.

2nd: GW up close....the eyes really struck me as amazing, very dynamic

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This evening we went to Mt Rushmore. I was kinda nervous about the park, as most of the towns nearby were really hokey and touristy, which I detest. But, we felt we had to give it a chance.

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In reality, it was really quite cool. The walk-up was very simple, just a set of flags throughout US history that you walked through to get to the viewing stand. The mountain itself is quite large, and the heads must be something like 10 or 20 stories tall. All along the base is rockfall, which was dynamited or jackhammered from the mountain during the sculpturing process. Quite an effort for 60 years ago, and the guy who did it certainly had a vision.

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I do wonder why TR is one of the heads, as the others were truly "great" presidents...forming the country, expanding the country, saving the country...maybe he was the guy when they started the whole deal. Or maybe he owned the mountain?

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I wonder who would make it from the 20th century...FDR for bringing the country through the great depression? Truman for "pressing the button"? Kennedy for his brief but inspirational leadership? Maybe Johnson whose legacy is deeply tainted by Vietnam for all his civil rights work? Who knows what history will tell our kids and grandkids. I'm willing to bet though that it's won't be "W" and Darth Vader however....maybe they'll be a "Mt Dumb Ass" for them...of course it will still be bigger than the monument to the 5,000 kids they've killed thus far...

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"Wondering where Lincoln's tophat is?" Lumpy out

Threading the Needle

TOP: Needles spires...thousands of them throughout the park

2nd: Tunnel I couldn't fit through on my bike...time to diet...

3rd: Bus (YES, A BUS!) sliding through the top of the needle. All you heard was screaming japanese tourists

4th: Major fire/blowdown was evident throughout the entire park. Whole hillsides destroyed. But it still looked better than a coal strip mine.

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Today we drove the Needles highway, a thin, rambling mountainous road that winds through custer state park and nearby. The oh, 20 miles drive took about 3 hours, but it was well worth it. The views were incredible, with spires everywhere, and abundant wildlife. At the top was the "eye of the needle", a very thin tunnel that went from one side of the range to the other. Cars were tight through the eye, and SUV's were insanely tight. Then, as we're getting ready to leave, a tour bus filled with japanese tourists pulls up. We figure it is going to turn around in the small parking lot, but nooooo, the driver gets out, pulls his mirrors into the bus, and proceeds to drive through the eye. I swear, he did not have more than about 4 inches total in slack, with a tight left turn coming out the far side. But, apparently he made it...although it would have been tough to hear scraping metal over the screams of the tourists.

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"Needle me this" Lumpy out

This is Why Custer Was Shot...

TOP: Arnold strikes again

BOTTOM: Lumpy of the Mount

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The view from custer mountain, in custer state park, next to the town of custer. Not a bad gig for a guy who was an ass and a mass murderer...

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"I need my own mountain" Lumpy out

A Few Buffalo Pix

TOP: Buffalo calf in full stride (surprisingly fast!)

2nd: Molting buffalo (loosing her winter coat)

3rd: Herd from the road

4th: Buffalo flank steaks in the making!

A far cry from the meat counter at Wegmans...

TOP: Wild Lumpy, er ass

2nd: TURKEY!!! (in honor of MarkMcC)

3rd: Mountain goat

4th: Buffalo (not to be confused with Rochester...)

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Today we spent the day driving around Custer State Park in the Black Hills. This was a real cool day, with awesome vistas, mountains, roads, and wild animals....lots and lots of wild animals. I'll put up a couple of pix posts of them.

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The buffalo herds were incredible, some over 100 buffalo strong. Once they started moving, you literally felt the ground shake. At one point a motorcyclist came too close to a calf, and the mother just accelerated...they run something like 40mph at top speed...towards the motorcyclist. He crapped himself and just got out of the way.

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A local told us about a motorcyclist last year pulling up alongside a calf and revving his "straight pipes (no muffler)" at the calf. The mother (father?) accelerated towards him, hooked the motorcycle with her horns and threw it about 20 feet in the air. The rider just made it off in one piece...bet he'll not play around calves again!

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At another point, the above mountain goat came across the road in front of us. We stopped the car to get a pix. While we're sitting there, kathy hears a "huff,huff,huff" of heavy breathing next to her...she turns to her right, and there is another mountain goat about 6 inches from her head, just breathing and staring at her. Needless to say, she crapped her own goat!

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"The Buffalo Watcher" Lumpy out

South Dakota Cuisine

TOP: The world famous "Road Kill Cafe" in Sturgis

2nd: Hot Springs...they had warm water there for tea

3rd: Custer Purple Pie Place...we had ice cream there

4th: The "Big Cut"..nothing to to with food but I didn't want to forget it...

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We elected to stay in Custer SD to get away from some of the touristy crap....Keystone (near Mt Rushmore) which makes Niagara Falls look like a nature setting and Deadwood (casinos and hokey street gunfights). We figured any town named after a scumbag who got his entire platoon slaughtered by the natives probably wasn't going to be a real hopping place...and, we were right. It was however, just right for a loding point. They had a couple of coffee shops, a diner that served "meat xxx"..elk stew, buffalo chili, goat gyros...you name the animal, they made it into some concoction.

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The first morning in I did a bike ride down to Hot Springs. Turned out to be just what the doctor ordered, as it was predominately downhill, with a crossing tailwind, and I had good legs and lungs coming out of the Colorado mountains. A blistering ride, averaging over 22mph, which is huge for me. When I got there, I found a little coffee shop and waited on Kathy to arrive. She finally did, several hours later (and promptly drove right by me) (no cell coverage, and I totally mistimed my speed) so we hit a local diner for breakfast. Bad move....since this diner had the luxury of being able to serve beer, they could let diners smoke there...and smoke they did. It was disgusting, what a vile habit. We ate quickly, and took our black lung and smoked clothes and hit the road. Really gross, and probably the worst dining experience of our whole trip.

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That evening we went to the Purple Pie Place in Custer, as we had both been hankering for pie ever since our few days on Route 66. Turns out the pie wasn't very interesting looking, but the ice cream was, so we had (I swear...) the FIRST ice cream of our whole trip. Quite good; then we hit the Custer diner for some deep fried chipmunks, some elk bloody marys, and possum niblets. All in a days eating in South Dakota....

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We took a short drive up to Sturgis, to see the motorcycling capital of the nation. It was totally a bust, nothing there but saloons and, well, saloons. Few houses, nothing to see, nowhere to eat, but lots of places to drink. Seems "Sturgis" is really just a euphamism for "I'm going out drinking and whoring with the guys this week". Oops, I hope I didn't give anything away!

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We also went by another "rape and pillage the land" site up north of deadwood. This one was "The Big Cut", a huge open air gold mine. Now, I know we need gold, but this was just bizarre, making it a major tourist attraction. Big hole though, if I say so myself.

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"This place gets more interesting every minute" Lumpy out

Which One is the REAL Chubby Chipmunk?

Chipmunk Time

TOP: Wow, they even put up a welcome sign just for us. Very neighborly of them!

2nd: Facade of the "Chubby Chipmunk" in Deadwood. I think it was a Texaco station in a prior life

3rd: Chubby Chipmunk logo

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We drove into South Dakota with open arms, and high aspirations. We'd heard good things about the Black Hills and the Badlands, and were looking forward to seeing them.

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In actuality, they were much cooler than expected; decent restaurants, awesome roads, tons (literally) of wildlife, great cycling, and THE CHUBBY CHIPMUNK.

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Now, maybe it was just because we hadn't had chocolate for 2 or 3 days...or maybe because it was we were in the town of deadwood, not a phrase I like to hear for obvious "guy reasons"...or maybe because it was about 90 degrees, tornadoes were just behind us and moving in, and, after all, we were in freakin' south dakota....but anyhow, we came upon THE CHUBBY CHIPMUNK and were awestruck. Once of the best chocolatiers we've ever experienced. Held its own with anything in NYC, Boston, or SanFran. I especially like the dark chocolate chipmunk thighs. Kathy was partial to the toffee coated tails. But there were lots of choices and everyone would find something there to satisfy their palate.

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"Eatin Alvin" Lumpy out

What Happens When You Let Women Make Up The Signs

Totally cracked me up...as Kathy was just saying pretty much the same thing at the time...

Devils Tower: My Kinda Place!

TOP: Fool, er, climber moving notch to notch

2nd: Huh, which way is up?

3rd: Devils Tower on approach. Note the deep striation of the rock and all the rockfall below where nature has carved it off

4th: Climbers from afar. We saw around 6-8 on the rock the afternoon we were there

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On our way to South Dakota we decided to take a little detour to my namesake rock, and one of the most famous in the country for our generation. Everybody our age I think saw "close encounters of the 3rd kind", about the aliens visiting us. And, the focal point of the movie was the spaceship landing on Devils Tower. Well, also maybe Dreyfus building a big pile of garbage into a Devils Tower in his living room. That was kinda cool also.

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Anyhow, wasn't sure how hokey it all would be, but it turned out to be quite cool actually. The park rangers were very good with their stories, especially of how the natives viewed the rock and it's history (a bear chasing some kids up the rock and pawing away at them made the striation). They kept the touristy crap far enough away to not take away from the rock, and the allowed climbers to work the rock. This was very cool for us to watch, not being climbers but certainly having an appreciation for what they do, and we hung out for several hours watching a half dozen or so of them working their way up the rock. Very impressive...just not for me.

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"Liking the Ground" Lumpy out